WHEN GOD SEEMS TO SAY NO

By Rosanne Romero

At first, I didn’t think anything was wrong. I’m not the type to feel an ache and then panic. I only remember I was trying to learn tennis when I first noticed how I was swinging too early – as in, wala pa yung bola sa court ko, or too late – nakalampas na yung bola. Tapos parang mabagal gumalaw yung left foot ko. (Then my left foot seemed to respond retardedly slow). Whenever I went jogging around the village with my husband Omy, I noticed I had difficulty with my left leg. Ano ba ito, tatamad-tamad! (What’s going on? Was I turning into a sloth?). We used to go long-distance biking too, but I noticed I began to see double so I would transfer my baby Rink on to Omy’s bike. I still didn’t think too much about it.

Next, I started dropping things. Next I started walking funny – like I had one drink too many. I had pins and needles on both my arms and legs. The first set of neurologist I went to said I was imagining things, though not worded quite like that. They just kept telling me that my symptoms were absurd. None of my symptoms matched anything. They said I had a non-specific virus.

This messed me up totally. Here I was dropping things, falling, slurring now and then, dragging my left foot and I had something non specific. I wanted to know it name – whatever virus it was, it just had to have a name if it was doing this to me. I stopped seeing the doctors. I think nothing is worse than being told you are imagining things.

Months later, more symptoms showed up. The pins and needles moved up to the left side of my face. I started having frequent falls I couldn’t explain. I started to have this tightness around my torso like I was wearing a corset, only I wasn’t. I started to have pain on my face I couldn’t even pinpoint. A certain Dr. Asprer, a long –time friend of Omy’s from Baguio recommended we see the neurologist at his hospital. Simple tests were done. Then I was told I most likely had something called multiple sclerosis (MS).

I was already in the renewal then, as I had turned my life over to God when I was in college. I was about 4 years married, I think, because Rinka was about three years old the. So how did I respond? I did what every mature Christian woman would do – I panicked. Me? Disabled? Please not me. Not live-wire me. How am I going to lie without jogging, running, cycling or horseback riding?

It took me a while before I quieted down, you know. I was disappointed. Many years back when I was single, I thought I heard God ask me, “If I needed to send someone to a place other people would rather not got to, would you go?” I remember because I had that as an entry in my prayer meeting. And I got all excited. I said, “Yes, yes, yes!” Africa, here I come – I thought to myself. I got myself all ready for life in a jungle – thought about songs I’d sing should the natives decide to burn me alive – Alfred Hitchcock inspired scenarios like that. I started teaching Rinka how to cook rice...and no – not using a rice cooker – where would you plug a thing like that in the jungle? I started to teach her to cook rice using wood. So when I was told I had this degenerative disease, my world caved in on me.

LORD, TALK TO ME..

“Ang daya mo. You’re so unfair.” I kept sighting. I was talking to God. One night I asked, “How in the world anyone going to submit my name as a prospective missionary no that I have this disease? I thought you were sending me to a place no one would want to go?” He had been so quiet.. you know how God is sometimes...

Surprise, He spoke. In my heart of course... “I already sent you” I was upset. MS is not a mission. No, God! Mission has to be geographical. It has to be a place, not a situation.. yadda, yadda, yadda..

Finally, I quieted down and wrote in my prayer journal. “Okay Lord, sige na nga... just don’t stop talking to me to the what to do next.”

I was afraid of what MS could do to me. But you know that corny adage, “Live one day at a time?” Well, if or when you get into a situation like mine, you’ll find that this really works. The Bible put it this way, “Let each day’s troubles suffice.” Yeah, one at a time, okay?

..YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Did I hang on to words of encouragement? Funny, you ask that. I got very little encouraging words from people. I got plenty of canned answers like, “Just have faith..”

Like I’ve mentioned in my articles, before people love to theorize. Some started to say I was sick like because there was sin in my family. To that I retorted, “What family does not have sin in it?” Following that reasoning, all of us should be sick. There will always be someone in the family in our family line who was a babaero (womanizer), lasengero (drunkard), estafador (swindler), whatever! Some starter quoting Bible verses even! What kind of hope can you possibly get from something like that when you’re sick? So I kept in mind Jesus and the cross. He died for all sin. That include all those sins in my family that people said I was being made to pay for. Hello? The one who paid and pays the price for sin is Jesus. No one else. My ancestors’ sins can’t explain why I am sick. I only know I am covered by the blood of Jesus.

Another time, someone told me that God heals all. There is no other answer to sickness. So I feebly reminded him. “Eh, bakit yung mga santom, what about the saints? I knew of someone who didn’t get healed. They just continued to suffer.”

The point I was trying to make was: Because God does and doesn’t. He gives and he takes. Most of the time, we can’t explain why. But he has reason. There is a purpose. God doesn’t waste anything.

Then, there are people who have also said that I’m not really sick. Otherwise, I couldn’t possibly carry on the way I do. It bothers them, I think, that I still laugh, cook, attend, prayer meetings, etc. I don’t look sick at all, they say. Why, is there supposed to be a ‘sick look’? And even if there was, am I obliged to put one on?

Do you know that a woman (not Filipina) actually asked me this question: “I am not sick. I can go anywhere want to anytime I please. I’m not awkward to look at. I look good. I have plenty of money to buy whatever I want. I’m not peaceful. I’m not happy. You – you are sick. You walk funny. There are many things you can’t do gracefully. You’re not rich. Can you tell me what you are so happy about?”

I was caught by surprise. We weren’t long time friends. I had no time to make an evangelistic script, if you know what I mean. I was being asked to explain the reason for my hope, for my peace and I hadn’t prepared for it.

Some others have said worse stuff. What’s the big deal with my sickness? It’s not serious anyway, they say. Just because I hardly discuss my pain with you doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. God is doing a big thing here. I have had MS for 14 years and I don’t go around wailing. I make sure people don’t feel sorry for me, so that they can see God’s handiwork better.

THE REBOUND

Was I able to bounce back at once? Well, bouncing back is what I call resilience. What MS made me realize is that I can’t even be resilient unless God graces me to be so. Period. And I wouldn’t describe myself as uppity or bouncy. I was at the EDSA rally last January – bouncy and uppity. But not about MS. When it comes to MS, I have this quiet but deep conviction that God has a purpose for everything. Even if most people do not see it. People love spectacular signs. They lay hands on me and they want to see something spectacular. This has put me through so much but I have learned to shrug it off or laugh at it.

Have I questioned God? Oh yes, lots of times. I still do. Most of the time, I am able to handle pain pretty okay. You just have to concentrate on not concentrating on it. Tricky, huh? Most of the time, when pain sets in, I quickly ask God to give me sharper focus on other things. What I always have great difficulty with is what people say. I know I’m not along but they make me feel very alone. Sometimes I tell God, “Lord, can I have my life back?” And then I allow myself a good long cry.