WHEN GOD SEEMS TO SAY NO

By Rosanne Romero

At first, I didn’t think anything was wrong. I’m not the type to feel an ache and then panic. I only remember I was trying to learn tennis when I first noticed how I was swinging too early – as in, wala pa yung bola sa court ko, or too late – nakalampas na yung bola. Tapos parang mabagal gumalaw yung left foot ko. (Then my left foot seemed to respond retardedly slow). Whenever I went jogging around the village with my husband Omy, I noticed I had difficulty with my left leg. Ano ba ito, tatamad-tamad! (What’s going on? Was I turning into a sloth?). We used to go long-distance biking too, but I noticed I began to see double so I would transfer my baby Rink on to Omy’s bike. I still didn’t think too much about it.

Next, I started dropping things. Next I started walking funny – like I had one drink too many. I had pins and needles on both my arms and legs. The first set of neurologist I went to said I was imagining things, though not worded quite like that. They just kept telling me that my symptoms were absurd. None of my symptoms matched anything. They said I had a non-specific virus.

This messed me up totally. Here I was dropping things, falling, slurring now and then, dragging my left foot and I had something non specific. I wanted to know it name – whatever virus it was, it just had to have a name if it was doing this to me. I stopped seeing the doctors. I think nothing is worse than being told you are imagining things.

Months later, more symptoms showed up. The pins and needles moved up to the left side of my face. I started having frequent falls I couldn’t explain. I started to have this tightness around my torso like I was wearing a corset, only I wasn’t. I started to have pain on my face I couldn’t even pinpoint. A certain Dr. Asprer, a long –time friend of Omy’s from Baguio recommended we see the neurologist at his hospital. Simple tests were done. Then I was told I most likely had something called multiple sclerosis (MS).

I was already in the renewal then, as I had turned my life over to God when I was in college. I was about 4 years married, I think, because Rinka was about three years old the. So how did I respond? I did what every mature Christian woman would do – I panicked. Me? Disabled? Please not me. Not live-wire me. How am I going to lie without jogging, running, cycling or horseback riding?

It took me a while before I quieted down, you know. I was disappointed. Many years back when I was single, I thought I heard God ask me, “If I needed to send someone to a place other people would rather not got to, would you go?” I remember because I had that as an entry in my prayer meeting. And I got all excited. I said, “Yes, yes, yes!” Africa, here I come – I thought to myself. I got myself all ready for life in a jungle – thought about songs I’d sing should the natives decide to burn me alive – Alfred Hitchcock inspired scenarios like that. I started teaching Rinka how to cook rice...and no – not using a rice cooker – where would you plug a thing like that in the jungle? I started to teach her to cook rice using wood. So when I was told I had this degenerative disease, my world caved in on me.

LORD, TALK TO ME..

“Ang daya mo. You’re so unfair.” I kept sighting. I was talking to God. One night I asked, “How in the world anyone going to submit my name as a prospective missionary no that I have this disease? I thought you were sending me to a place no one would want to go?” He had been so quiet.. you know how God is sometimes...

Surprise, He spoke. In my heart of course... “I already sent you” I was upset. MS is not a mission. No, God! Mission has to be geographical. It has to be a place, not a situation.. yadda, yadda, yadda..

Finally, I quieted down and wrote in my prayer journal. “Okay Lord, sige na nga... just don’t stop talking to me to the what to do next.”

I was afraid of what MS could do to me. But you know that corny adage, “Live one day at a time?” Well, if or when you get into a situation like mine, you’ll find that this really works. The Bible put it this way, “Let each day’s troubles suffice.” Yeah, one at a time, okay?

..YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Did I hang on to words of encouragement? Funny, you ask that. I got very little encouraging words from people. I got plenty of canned answers like, “Just have faith..”

Like I’ve mentioned in my articles, before people love to theorize. Some started to say I was sick like because there was sin in my family. To that I retorted, “What family does not have sin in it?” Following that reasoning, all of us should be sick. There will always be someone in the family in our family line who was a babaero (womanizer), lasengero (drunkard), estafador (swindler), whatever! Some starter quoting Bible verses even! What kind of hope can you possibly get from something like that when you’re sick? So I kept in mind Jesus and the cross. He died for all sin. That include all those sins in my family that people said I was being made to pay for. Hello? The one who paid and pays the price for sin is Jesus. No one else. My ancestors’ sins can’t explain why I am sick. I only know I am covered by the blood of Jesus.

Another time, someone told me that God heals all. There is no other answer to sickness. So I feebly reminded him. “Eh, bakit yung mga santom, what about the saints? I knew of someone who didn’t get healed. They just continued to suffer.”

The point I was trying to make was: Because God does and doesn’t. He gives and he takes. Most of the time, we can’t explain why. But he has reason. There is a purpose. God doesn’t waste anything.

Then, there are people who have also said that I’m not really sick. Otherwise, I couldn’t possibly carry on the way I do. It bothers them, I think, that I still laugh, cook, attend, prayer meetings, etc. I don’t look sick at all, they say. Why, is there supposed to be a ‘sick look’? And even if there was, am I obliged to put one on?

Do you know that a woman (not Filipina) actually asked me this question: “I am not sick. I can go anywhere want to anytime I please. I’m not awkward to look at. I look good. I have plenty of money to buy whatever I want. I’m not peaceful. I’m not happy. You – you are sick. You walk funny. There are many things you can’t do gracefully. You’re not rich. Can you tell me what you are so happy about?”

I was caught by surprise. We weren’t long time friends. I had no time to make an evangelistic script, if you know what I mean. I was being asked to explain the reason for my hope, for my peace and I hadn’t prepared for it.

Some others have said worse stuff. What’s the big deal with my sickness? It’s not serious anyway, they say. Just because I hardly discuss my pain with you doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. God is doing a big thing here. I have had MS for 14 years and I don’t go around wailing. I make sure people don’t feel sorry for me, so that they can see God’s handiwork better.

THE REBOUND

Was I able to bounce back at once? Well, bouncing back is what I call resilience. What MS made me realize is that I can’t even be resilient unless God graces me to be so. Period. And I wouldn’t describe myself as uppity or bouncy. I was at the EDSA rally last January – bouncy and uppity. But not about MS. When it comes to MS, I have this quiet but deep conviction that God has a purpose for everything. Even if most people do not see it. People love spectacular signs. They lay hands on me and they want to see something spectacular. This has put me through so much but I have learned to shrug it off or laugh at it.

Have I questioned God? Oh yes, lots of times. I still do. Most of the time, I am able to handle pain pretty okay. You just have to concentrate on not concentrating on it. Tricky, huh? Most of the time, when pain sets in, I quickly ask God to give me sharper focus on other things. What I always have great difficulty with is what people say. I know I’m not along but they make me feel very alone. Sometimes I tell God, “Lord, can I have my life back?” And then I allow myself a good long cry.

Quotes 080509 II

1471. There's no way you can know everything about someone. That's what keeps it interesting. At some point, you just have to learn to trust that person.

1472. It's really hard to decide when you're too tired to hold on, but you're too in love to let go

1473. A wise physician said, "I've been practicing medicine for 40 years, and I have prescribed many medicines. But in the long run, I have learned that for most of what ails humans, the best medicine is Love." "What if it doesn't work?" Someone asked. He smiled and said, "Just double the dose."

1474. I'm ninety-nine percent sure that the person I love doesn't love me back. But just one percent of his love is enough for me to hold on.

1475. When it comes to love, people say that guys can wait forever for the girl they want and girls don't. But that's not true because girls always wait, but guys are always late.

1476. There is a technique in love. We follow the rule "Love one another." and if it doesn't work, just swap the last two words: "Love another one."

1477. One day, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend why he always forgets their anniversary. His reply was short but sweet. "What is one day compared to you being mine every day?

1478. I'm not afraid to try again. I'm just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

1479. It's nice to know that someone wants to be with me. And it's even nicer to know that the one who wants to be with me is the one I want to be with too.

1480. The best kind of love is doing what's best for someone else even if it hurts.

1481. I want the boy, you know, the one that sings so terribly that it makes you love the song.

1482. To create a puzzle you must first take it apart, make a mess of the pieces,
& try a few wrong fits. For only then can you be certain that the final product is exactly what it should be.

1483. I thought a broken heart was the worst feeling possible, but I was wrong.
Regrets are sitting right before it.

1484. If life was supposed to be easy
I wouldn't be sitting here trying to figure out ways to get you to fall in love with me.

1485. I want to be the place in your heart that you can never let go of.

1486. You're either in love or you're not in love. There is no "I think"; no in between.

1487. It's hard to smile when you know he's not watching.

1488. There isn't always going to be second chances, sometimes it’s now or never.

1489. How do you leave the past behind, when it keeps finding ways to get into your heart?

1490. I like to pretend that everything's all right, because when everybody else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget for a while that you're not.

1491. People who think dying is the worst thing don't know a thing about life.

1492. Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside while still alive.

1493. I don't want to close my eyes because you might leave me when I'm not looking. But I'm afraid to keep them open because I couldn't stand to watch you walk away.

1494. We never really move on, all you can do is find someone else to think about.
1495. My grandma once said: Never depend on a man because the minute he leaves you, you're left with nothing.

1496. Don't give up on love because there is always someone who loves you, even if it's not the person you were hoping for.

1497. For every girl with a broken heart, there's always a boy with a glue gun.

1498. Always remember that the pain of holding on is greater than the pain of letting go.

1499. It's funny how you never know when it will be the best day of your life.

1500. People say high school is about getting an education and getting into a good college to succeed in life. Well, to me, high school is about making memories and good times that will last forever.

Quotes 080509

1501. Reality check: if people know that they have a second chance, they will not be careful with their actions. It is human nature.

1502. It is so damn hard to deal with emotions when I want to touch someone but I can’t. There’s nothing I can do about it. No matter how hard I try to distract myself. No matter how I try to smile and laugh it out it still comes to that point where I find myself alone even in a happy crowd. Hopelessly missing that one person I have been wanting so much.

1503. Avoiding something doesn’t always mean that you hate it. It could also mean that you want it but you just know that it is too complicated.

1504. Never allow yourself to be treated as nothing by another person who you have valued so much. If there is no sense in waiting, then move on. If you feel that you are not valued by the person you like, then let go. Life is about making wise decisions and not about making yourself the foolish one.

1505. What is good about being emotional? It is accepting my own weakness and stop fooling myself pretending that I am strong knowing deep inside, I am bleeding.

1506. The reason why we expect more from others? It is because we would be willing to do that much for them.

1507. It doesn’t matter when I felt love or how I learned to and why did I fall for that person. It is just that I did love. No questions to be asked.

1508. Not all seemingly happy people are happy indeed. Sometimes, when the party is over, some just sit alone and quietly bleed inside.

1509. An inspiring fact to bear in mind: Mathematics may not teach us to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide or to love a friend and forgive an enemy. But it gives us every reason to hope that every problem has a solution.

1510. Sometimes, it is better to keep silent than to tell others what you feel because it will only hurt you when you know they can hear you but they can’t understand.

1511. If you intend to love someone, be sure to accept the challenge called changes.

1512. Sometimes, your existence gives hope to a person, your smile maybe a pearl for someone, your presence might be the desire of the one who loves you dearly so value yourself. You exist for a reason.

1513. Don’t exhaust your heart trying to look for the one you think you deserve. Instead, you should save the best part of you for the person who deserves you, someone who came the time you didn’t search.

1514. You can’t forget a person you love so much no matter how much you try to do it. It is impossible unless you learn to love somebody else.

1515. I am not saying that I am in love. I am just saying that lately, he’s all I think about.

1516. If you don’t correct them when they upset you, they will never learn to treat you with respect.

1517. What could be nicer than seeing your loved one smile at you so sweetly for no reason? What could be more flattering than hearing that someone says you look good in whatever you wear? What could be more heartwarming that sharing with that someone an umbrella under the cold rain? It is to hear that someone say, “I have fallen in love with you more that I planned to and now I know for sure that there’s no way I will ever let you go.”

1518. It is a lie to say you have let go of the past. Nobody let go of memories. Each tear is an unforgettable memory. Each smile is an undeniable mark. Each heartbeat is an unerasable soar because really, there is no such thing as forgetting only accepting and changing.

1519. You cannot love and hold yourself back from its full force. Love is about placing that bet, taking the risk and letting go of fear. Love is dangerous for it will always ask you to jump the chasm with your eyes closed with nothing but to trust to break your fall.

1520. Sometimes it is better to be alone, because you are more assured that no one would hurt you.

1521. Is it really that hard to let go of someone? Or is it just really hard because you still hope there's a chance?

1522. It is funny how I never even shared my smile to the guy who was willing to carve the whole world just for me, yet I fell for someone who doesn't even bother to reach for the falling star.

1523. It's impossible to find somebody who will never make you cry. So get the next best thing, find someone who's worth all the pain.

1524. Falling in love is like crossing the street. There's a traffic light that tells you when to go, when to look and when to stop. Tell me, would I be crossing the red light if I FALL in LOVE with YOU?

1525. Why do marriages fail? It's because the bride chose the GROOM, instead of the BEST MAN.

1526. I was not aware that he came only to love me for a while. I was aiming to be with him forever but he is not willing to work it all out. While I was busy planning for us, he was busy planning his life with another person. It hurts too much but all I can do is watch him walk away and that is the end of it. There goes my forever. There goes my life. I know he is gone but holding on to him has become the only way to keep me alive.

1527. I was walking after a painful experience when someone came; he never left me when I needed him most. He stood by me all along. Then after all that has happened, I began to wonder. He did help me forget my sad story and yet he started another one.

1528. We spend our lives telling ourselves that everything happens for a reason when in reality; it is just that we give reasons for everything that happen.

1529. You can’t tell someone you love them and then change your mind. That is not how it works. Once you love someone, you always love them. Don’t you? Isn’t there a part of you who thinks of him/ her for no reason whatsoever? They will always be in the back of your mind and no matter how much you love someone else, you always love him/ her too.

1530. A great love? It is when you shed tear and still you care for him. It is when he ignores you and you still you long for him. It is when he begins to love another and yet you still smile and say I am happy for you.